OPINION: THE IDLE AMERICAN: Doctors have a ‘word’ to say

Published 9:33 am Wednesday, September 8, 2021

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Most hunters are so gung-ho, they’ll hunt anything that’ll run from ‘em.

Similarly, TV news folks salivate at the prospect of all-out chases to pluck credible opinions on controversial topics.

This was the case recently when a neurosurgeon was questioned by a Dallas TV reporter. The query concerned the ongoing debate about whether a helmet law should be enacted for motorcyclists. His answer was, uh, a no-brainer.

Explaining that many serious injuries incurred by riders without helmets would otherwise be minor, Dr. Jeremy Denning mentioned that some physicians have coined a word that reveals their opinions.

“They call them ‘donorcycles’,” Dr. Denning said.

End of interview.

Meanwhile, operators of four-wheel vehicles often give law enforcement personnel reasons to coin names for certain drivers–names that are unfit to appear in a family newspaper.

James Davis, who was playing in big bands before they invented instruments that “plug in,” has to smile when he remembers a traffic pull-over several decades ago. Decked out in a tuxedo–common evening apparel for him–he was ready to tickle ivories at a country club gala. However, he was running a bit late, and his foot was a bit heavy. Soon, the red light and siren on the vehicle behind him made stopping his best choice.

The traffic officer rattled off his obligatory lecture, then backed off with “just a warning.” Noticing Davis’ spiffy tuxedo, the officer barked, “If you weren’t late for your own wedding, I’d throw the book at you.”

Bill Sanders, a federal government retiree, has reason to smile about a similar offense recently.

His wife Carolyn chuckled as her hubby was red-lighted to the roadside. As the officer strode toward the Sanders’ car, she hoped he would make the usual inquiry, the one to determine if the driver has a good reason for speeding.

“I’m late getting to a Crime Stoppers’ meeting,” Bill answered sheepishly.

The truth, of course, is hard to beat. His speed wasn’t THAT MUCH over the limit, and he was indeed en route to the aforementioned meeting. Later, he served as county president for Crime Stoppers.

When Sanders began his career in government service, his assignment was in Austin. It was during the presidency of Lyndon B. Johnson.

One day, the Johnsons were in town, and Lady Bird was planning a barbecue picnic at the ranch. She decided on a “Yellow Rose of Texas” theme.

Sanders’ supervisor instructed him to get a dozen garbage cans painted for the event.

The cans are to be painted exactly as Mrs. Johnson instructed,” he said. “They are to be ‘yellow rose yellow’–not ‘lemon yellow,’ not ‘mustard yellow’ and not ‘sunrise yellow’,” the boss warned.

For emphasis, he repeated the mandate, asking Bill if he fully understood. Bill said he did.

The ever-resourceful Sanders gave serious thought to the assignment. He feared graved consequences if the painted cans were a hue or two off.

So, his first stop was at a floral shop. He purchased a bouquet of yellow roses before proceeding to the paint shop.

“Paint these cans the same shade as these here roses,” Sanders said. “Make sure it’s not ‘lemon yellow,’ ‘mustard yellow’ or ‘sunrise yellow’.” He asked the painters if they understood; they said they did. The eager-to-please painters “yellowed up” the cans just right, and Bill “got it right” for almost 40 years in government service.

I’ll end this week’s piece by dredging up the old chauvinistic yarn about a traffic officer who finally prevailed after a lengthy high-speed chase.

The veteran DPS guy thought he’d heard them all, but this offender offered a new excuse.

“ Officer, I tried hard to outrun you for good reason,” the driver said. “A week ago, my wife ran off with a trooper, and I figured he was trying to bring her back.”


   Dr. Newbury is a speaker and author in the Metroplex. He welcomes inquiries/comments. Email: newbury@speakerdoc.com  phone: 817-447-3872. Website: www.speakerdoc.com. Twitter: @donnewbury. Facebook: don newbury.