Story over a Cup: Shopping the Musical

Published 1:00 pm Sunday, March 10, 2019

So, I was out shopping the other day.  I don’t usually like shopping at all, but my wife has taken to going there, not so much for the selection or price, but to walk around the store.

She has a daily goal of taking ten thousand steps. She bought a Fitbit and plans on getting her money’ worth.

I go along for the ride.

But, I did notice one thing the other day. I worked in retail as a stocker nearly 20 years ago.

Not much has changed.

But, then again, I only see the surface, not the behind the scenes stuff.

Well, anyway, with the way my mind works, as we walked I tried to listen to the music over the loudspeakers. I thought for a second it was Hello Dolly from the Musical of the same name.

Immediately, I was writing the lyrics to my own version. So here are a few lines from my upcoming hit musical: Shopping: the Musical


(sung to the melody of Hello, Dolly)

Hello stocker, well hello stocker!

Do you have more of this in the back?

You’re looking swell, stocker! We can tell, stocker

You’re still stocking, you’re not looking, you’re just ignoring me!

I’m losing my patience, What’s the price? Did you hear what I said?


(sung to the melody, Music of the Night)

Shopping depresses, dulls all the senses

Why do they never have or stock this brand?

Slowly my shopping list is ticked off one by one


Slowly, tediously the shopper unloads her cart

Grasp it, scan it, watch there be no barcode

Turn your face away, call over the checker

Turn your thoughts away, from buying this anyway

And go back to the self-checkout lane


(sung to the melody of Memory from Cats)

Midnight, not a sound from the backroom

Has the worker lost her way?

In the bright lights, all my patience collects at my feet

And I softly begin to moan


Midday, still waiting for the worker

I can dream of the old days

When I didn’t need this item

I remember a time I knew what happiness was

Before I came shopping here


(sung to Bring Him Home from Les Miserables)

God on high

Hear my prayer

In my need

You have always helped me


I am young

I am afraid

Let me rest

Fill my list

Find me an open checkout

Find me an open checkout

Find me an open checkout


I only needed one item

If God had only let me buy it

Now my cart is full


Andrew Lloyd Weber eat your heart out, there is a new master of the musical here.


Michael Cole is a syndicated columnist that when he is not writing, he is plotting global domination. You can follow him at or email him at