By Michael Cole

I know that the holiday of Festivus is supposed to be celebrated on December 23. However, since it is a relatively new holiday and mostly a made up one, I can be selective in when I celebrate it.

Just like when I declared my birthday to be The Feast of St. Michael’s (by the way, I see many of you not celebrating this important January holiday, tsk, tsk), there is much that we can move or change.

But I think that the best part of Festivus is the airing of grievances. And that is why I think the last weekend of the year is the best time to air such things.

So to begin the tradition,

I got a lotta problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!

It never fails, whenever I go to Walmart for one item, halfway down the aisle it is on, and usually always where what I need is, there is a small convention going on.

Always.

Look, I know it’s great to visit with friends and relatives that you have not seen in a while. But, really do you need to hold your mini-convention in the middle of the coffee aisle when I need my coffee?

Do it on the side of the aisle where people can walk by, or maybe in the main aisles where people can walk around you.

I have a beard. But it is a short one, I try hard these days to keep it neat and trimmed.

Having a beard is a personal choice, I get that.

But…

If I hear dueling banjoes when I see your beard or think that you are an extra out of a Civil War reenactment there, I think your beard might just be a tad bit on the excessive side.

Unless you are a member of Duck Dynasty or ZZ Top, I offer this advice:

Shave thyself, Jebediah.

And there is nothing wrong with a long beard wither, I have seen many that are long, but yet trimmed and well kept. That being said, if I can see the remains of last Thanksgiving’s dinner tucked away there Grizzly Adams, it is time for it to go.

I am not an overly handsome guy, I admit that. I will never compete with Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Cary Grant. I accept that.

But that does not mean that I use the filters to change my appearance in a photo to put onto Facebook or whatever.

But…

There are some of you that I have been friends with for a while and not seen in person for quite a while too.

At least I think so.

The reason being that I see your Facebook selfies that have undergone more CGI and editing than a Star Wars film. So for all I know, I have been your next door neighbor for years and just cannot identify you.

We all age, we all change with time. I have no problem with a person putting on makeup for a photo, or trying for the best possible light. But when you go from using natural light and makeup to Industrial Light and Magic, you have gone too far.

Can we have more natural beauty in 2019?

I understand that items like cancer, religion, politics, maybe inspiring stories propel many timeline feeds.

But I am tired of at least two dozen times a day seeing my feed, “Share if you love Jesus,” “Share if you hate Cancer,” “Share if you support our troops.”

And the lists go on and on. Look, I do not want my Facebook feed to feel like a hostage situation. When I read most of these, I do not so much as see someone wanting to bring awareness to a topic as much as passive aggressive peer pressure,

You might as well be saying, “Scroll on if you want to drown puppies and take candy from babies.”

I wish I could create a post that says.

“Share if you want to stop sharing stuff.”

In 2018 it seemed like everyone was joining in on the craze of top ten lists. Top ten most annoying celebrities, top ten things we have about the internet, the top ten top ten lists.

Sure, we like to see how things compare, it is human nature, but really, I think there is an entire section of the internet totally committed to top ten lists.

What is worse is there is hardly any creativeness in the lists anymore, and you can only create so many before you run out of fresh ideas.

So maybe we should skip on that “Top ten ways to annoy Michael” list.

So, as I clear out my top ten list of grievances, I look forward to a better 2019.

And for those of you wanting to purchase the perfect gift for me on the upcoming Feast of St. Michael’s…Make checks or money orders out to “Michael Cole.”

I also take all major credit cards and return them in six to eight weeks when I am done using them.

 

Michael Cole is a syndicated columnist that when he is not writing, he is plotting global domination. You can follow him at www.storyoveracup.com