Published: September 25, 2006 08:41 am            

Single mom caught between Mrs.' and 'Ms.'

ATHENS, Ala. — Stefani Payne thought she knew what it was like to be a single parent. Her military husband, Terry, was often away from home for six months at a time.

But when Terry, who was athletic and seemingly in perfect health, died of a massive heart attack in 2004, Stefani said she realized the task ahead would be more difficult than she thought.

“I didn’t have enough imagination to see how challenging and exhausting it can be,” she says now.

Stefani is one of a growing number of single parents in America: According to the 2000 Census, 12 million people were single parents. From 1970-2000, the number of single mothers increased from 3 million to 10 million, while the number of single fathers increased from 393,000 to 2 million.

The number of children under 18 living with single parents went from 11.9 percent in 1970 to 26.7 percent in 2000. Of those, 22.4 percent lived with their mothers.

Stefani, 41, supports herself and her two sons, Matthew, 14, and Tanner, 10, by working at the Best Academy, which offers remedial classes at Limestone Career Technical Center. Previously a stay-at-home mom, she said she feels blessed to be able to work at a job with hours compatible with her sons’ school hours.

“Financial concerns are the first struggle everyone faces,” she said. “And you’re coping with loss, whether it’s death or divorce, and you have to deal with explaining that to the children.”

Stefani said she had some moments when she was overwhelmed.

“How do I get everyone where they’re supposed to be, how do I get organized, get birthday cards to the right person and still look like I have it all together?” she asked.

Going from full-time mom to widowed career woman was surprisingly confusing, she said.

“You don’t really feel like you fit in with your married friends and you definitely don’t fit in with your single friends (as a mother),” Stefani said. “I thought, ‘Am I a Mrs. or a Ms.? It was kind of a weird thing to focus on.”

Then, there was the thought of dating.

“I thought, ‘Is there someone out there who would take on this very broken family?’” Stefani said. “We have scars and wounds. Would I find someone who would love my children — not as much as Terry – but who would love them?”

Also, Stefani wasn’t sure she needed a man in her life.

“I really thought I could do it on my own,” she said. “It was probably better to do it on my own.”

But when men were around the boys, they seemed to enjoy their company.

“I quickly saw maybe I wasn’t enough,” she said. “It would be nice to have someone to kind of fill in the gaps.”

So Stefani approached It’s Just Lunch, a Huntsville dating service. She described what she was looking for in a man and told them not to contact her if he didn’t meet the criteria.

“ I didn’t have time to invest in a relationship that wasn’t the right one,” she said. “That takes time you don’t have. I knew what I wanted.”

She was matched with Bob Armstrong of Huntsville and the two have been dating for 18 months. She worried her sons might think she’d forgotten their father, but she said they have adjusted well.

“He’s everything I asked for and things I didn’t even know to ask for,” she said. “I can’t believe my good luck to have had a wonderful marriage and then to find someone like him.”



Kelly Kazek writes for The News Courier in Athens, Ala.

        

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